11~11~2025

Hello!

If you came this far into my website, first of all, thank you for taking your time to riffle through it.
Now, I have zero experience with coding, and English is not my first language, but I wanted to make something that feels worth the time to me, and I also wanted an opportunity to heal my brain and kind of rescue what is left of my sanity after so much time exposed to the brainrot effect.

I spent years lurking on the internet, and many times I ended up in some of the worst and most toxic corners, where self-destruction was and still is the norm. I want to talk more about it, but later on. I’m from a place where creativity is not really appreciated unless it has monetary value to others, so I pretty much keep to myself. I have moments where I try to connect with others that might have the same hobbies and likes that could resemble mine, but I’m terrible at making and keeping connections. Right now I don’t have friends, but it was kind of a choice. This place is meant to be a project for many personal things, and if you are familiar with personal webs, then you just know everything is in your command; you say whatever you want, and you change, move, delete, and repeat ALL you want.

I’m looking forward to a very chaotic place. Thanks for reading!

11~15~2025

Hell; Is Other People

I’ve been listening non-stop to this song lately, I first listened to it years ago, can’t remember exactly when, but it has stayed with me throughout all this time. I always believed it to be about being trapped inside an abusive relationship where the other party or whatever has you by the throat; it’s doing so by the agency of your own mind, to destroy you from the inside out. Essentially it’s about mental abuse.

“Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed
Why try swimming? I'm drowning in fable
You're not that saint that you externalize
You're not anything at all”

I used to have a “friend” for years who slowly turned into a horrible person. He would use all sorts of excuses to try and play people to get money or costly stuff, but he was so weak and insignificant to those “trashy people” (as he liked to call them) that at the end he could only win a seemingly “fancy” dinner just to later have a massive falling out with the so-called “trashy people”. He would dump all his emotional labor on me, demanding answers, strategies and reasoning in a therapy-client way. He made very uncomfortable “jokes” and comments about sex knowing damn well I felt alienated by that topic. He had to always be right; he always needed the attention of others, he would seek it, then complain to me and demand to know how to push people away.

I’m powerless when it comes to defending myself, I can’t always put up limits and I thought it was my duty to fix him as “friends”. He knew my weaknesses and he exploited them. Whenever I tried to protest that I no longer wished to be a landfill for his emotional struggles, oh boy, he would throw a tirade of how he is always the unsupported victim that no one understood. He was taken to multiples psychologists and more than once he was officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I knew him for so long that I thought I could trust him, that he truly wished to change and he was more than his disorder, which itself is a very misunderstood one, but damn... He knew all along what he was made of and he refused treatment. He LOVED to tell others about his struggles from professionals to poor; unsuspecting pals; he loved being pitied and diagnosed. It was a endless cycle from hell. But let me add that he was once a victim himself. He did suffer a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse from his own family. That’s one of the many reasons why it was hard to criticize him, you didn’t want to believe that he had turned into another product of his environment. But damn, he did.

“I keep searching, never been able
To find a light behind your dead eyes
Not anything at all”

I don’t know what his purpose was, but I don’t care anymore, I just feel so utterly gutted by the fact I let someone so sick get away with using me as a tool for emotional regulation for six goddamn years. When I refused to keep going with his deranged demands he told me that we should give each other “space”. So, I finally took my opportunity to violently call him out and then permanently block him. He tried to change the narrative before the block, creating and exaggerating stuff that never happened to pin me as a another one of his toxic-ex-friends, but I just blocked him, I said what I wanted to say, and I was so done.

"It's all so playful when you demonize
To spit out the hateful, you're willing and able
Your words are weapons of the terrified"

And the funniest part of everything, something I realized after finally leaving: absolutely everybody who came in contact with him would eventually fall in the same narrative; they became a friend, then an ex-friend taking home the “bad guy” title. No friend ever cut him out the “right” way under his distorted, twisted views. He was always without fail either the most mature one or the one who realized his “mistakes” and matured very quickly nOt-lIkE-tHe-oThErS. I was never present when these things happened, I was never friends with his friends/fiends, that’s because I didn’t wished to interact with others. I cannot speak for those but I also cannot believe his side of the story. I was very dazed about everything. I thought I just had to agree with him to make things easy and right. I’m someone who self-destructs, but it never crossed my mind to do the same things he did, it disgusts me. He disgusts me so much and I though I was not allowed to admit it. I cant explain how and why I stayed so long and why I did those things to myself. I don’t have anyone to talk about this, it’s hard to grasp with words, but hopefully later on I will.

11~16~2025

Scrolling To Death

I’m so hopelessly addicted to the internet that I spend a good chunk of my years denying it, like any junkie. I first picked up a computer at age 8, and regardless of whether there was or not internet at home (for years we relied on public WiFi) I was always hooked up to the computer. I didn’t realize the extent of the dependency until I committed the mistake of installing TikTiok in this new digital era. All those commentary videos on the app are true. It was a radioactive wasteland that killed off my attention span, fed on all my insecurities and used every little dirty trick in the book to crush my nerves for attention. I’ve been trying to heal from the brainrot for the past year or so.

It was not only that app, but nearly all of them as well. I deleted everything but YouTube since I find useful stuff that has even helped me to learn new skills. Sadly, I’m still looking for signs of recovery, it just sucks.

On top of that, I’ve been dealing with depression since late primary school that has just gotten worse and worse as time has passed me by. I barely can muster the energy to watch a movie or read a book, manga or whatever. I start something then I drop it for long periods of time, just to pick up my phone and doomscroll myself to death. But I believe that the worst thing l always end up looking for is Self-Harming content. I used that NSFL crap to berate myself time and time again. I’ve been doing that since I was like 14 or 15. I know that on the internet there are better places, but most of the times my self-destruction instincts kicks in before anything else. This part is just pure self-inflicted mental abuse.

I’m dealing with the worst burnout of my life and sometimes I think about just ending it all when I think about the whole situation including what happens outside the screen… But I’m kind of a coward.

11~20~2025

DoomScrolling Again

I was kind of lost from here… I’m supposed to stick daily to this Website as a way to fight back the brainrot seeping inside my mind, but sometimes the darkest thoughts in me win over and I find myself back again doomscrolling to death. It’s of the million different reasons why I hate myself so much. I have lots of free time to finally dedicate to those hobbies that have helped me alleviate some distress so why do I have to always fuck it up?. Have you noticed how depraved life is on those algorithm-based sites? The subtle ways that bigotry, ignorance and the so-“celebrated” nonchalant behavior just seep in and infect everything? their own internet corner seems to be not enough. I feel there’s something very, very off about the whole “bUt iN mY oPiNiOn” commentary, but I still can’t fully word it in the way I want. Either way, I can’t at least express how utterly empty inside and worthless I feel after wasting my time on those sites. One thing I want for the future, if I have one, would be being more able to better express my thoughts and feelings through writing; there’s so much to say and so little ways in which I can explain.